Forward
by UnhealthyObessions
Summary: Amanda and Olivia attempt to deal with the aftermath of Patton's trial.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello all! A short story, two, maybe three chapters, which takes place after Forgiving Rollins._

* * *

"The jury finds the defendant guilty."

_Guilty_.

At the very back of the courtroom, from where she was seated on the last row by the doors, the air left Amanda's lungs, the full impact of the verdict hitting her when she heard that word. In a span on a second, the intensity of her emotions surged through her, emotions she could not even identify or describe, even if she tried. Guilty. _Guilty_. The court found Deputy Chief Charles Patton guilty.

The silence that previously surrounded the room was now broken, as murmurs and chatter broke through the crowd. Guided by the guard who was about to escort him out, the defendant stood up and turned. Their eyes met. The former APD deputy chief and the SVU detective. The predator and the survivor. And Amanda's breath froze as she gazed into the eyes of the man who took everything away from her, the man who haunted her nightmares and tormented her spirit for the last few years.

_Nothing_. There was nothing in his eyes. No emotion. No signs of remorse. Nothing to convey that he understood, much less recognized, the pain he put her through. Nor, come to think of it, no signs of how his own guilty verdict was affecting him. All that she could see was his stoicism, everything kept shut tightly behind his emotionless gaze and thinned lips. His face betrayed nothing.

The guard gently nudged him and the defendant walked along. Their gaze was broken and that would be the last time Amanda would ever see Charles Patton again.

It was over. Justice (or at least some degree of justice) was restored.

It was over.

The realization of this caused Amanda to stand up. She needed to get out of there, now. Without further ado, she dashed out of the doors and through the hallways of the courthouse. She couldn't stand being in that room a moment longer. She needed to be alone. The crisp and icy cold air hit her as exited through the front doors and sped down the steps, her surroundings a blur to her, her feet acting of her own accord and her mind on autopilot as she blended into New York's crowded and busy streets.

"Amanda? Amanda!"

She did not hear or register Olivia's voice calling out after her. She wouldn't have turned around anyways even if she did.

* * *

"… please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I can."

Olivia sighed worriedly as her third call in the last few hours went to voicemail yet again. The blonde was not answering her phone, nor was she answering her colleagues' attempts either. Given the fact that her calls were going straight to voicemail instead of ringing first, Olivia suspected that Amanda, despite protocol forbidding it, shut off her phone.

It was now nearing 6pm and the winter sky was already dark but Amanda never returned to the precinct after Patton's trial this morning. A few of the blonde's belongings and her handbag was left behind.

"Still no reply from Manda?" Fin approached on her doorway, looking at her expectantly, even though he knew the answer.

Olivia sighed, "No. Not that I'm surprised." She let out a sad smile. "She's always been a very private and guarded person. I guess I can expect she'd want to be alone after all that's happened in the last few days but…" She trailed off.

"You just want to know she's alright," Fin finished for her.

"There's a number of places she could be right now," replied Olivia. Smoking or drinking or gambling, possibly in less savoury and seedy neighbourhoods. Olivia feared that the stress of it all would drive Amanda back to her to self-destructive habits. As she thought about it, the image of her blonde detective popped in her mind's eye, dealing with the aftermath of what happened with nothing but bottle after bottle, and her heart clenched at the thought of Amanda suffering alone. _Again_, her own mind's voice whispered and guilt flooded her.

Fin regarded her for a moment, before taking out a set of keys from his pocket. He pulled a couple of silver ones from the key chain and handed it to her.

"What is this?" asked Olivia.

"Keys to her apartment. That's her second set."

A surprised pause. "She gave them to you?" She trusted you. Trusted you enough to give you a set of keys to her home. That was the unspoken implication in Olivia's words, and Fin was able to pick up on it.

"And now I'm giving it you," nodded Fin. "There's a number of places she could be but, call it a hunch, why not try her place first?" I'm trusting you. I know you care about her. I know you want to help Amanda. That was Fin's unspoken implication.

"Fin. I-" Olivia cut herself off not knowing what to say. It wasn't that she didn't want to. Lord only knew that she wanted nothing more to rush to her detective's side since the trial began this morning but she felt like she would be intruding in Amanda's personal boundaries. Olivia knew very well what a private person she was. Amanda trusted Fin, as evidenced by giving him the keys. But that courtesy wasn't extended to Olivia.

"Take it, Liv," interjected Fin. "I'm heading out now but give me a call if she's not there, okay? Then we could do rounds, drive by her haunts." He gave her a nod and turned around.

Olivia hesitated before, "Fin, do you think I was too harsh on her?"

He halted and turned back to her with a raised eyebrow. Not wanting to answer the question, he sidestepped with a very fair response, "You're asking the wrong person."

* * *

Olivia braked as her she squeezed her car into the space between two others, parallel parking it. Satisfied, she shut off the engine and glanced at the building outside her window. She pulled out the silver keys and stared at it, nervousness and trepidation rising with each moment, joining the guilt and pain that she was also feeling.

Was I too harsh on her?

Those were the only thoughts racing through Olivia's mind as she drove to her destination. Whereas before, she never gave a second thought to her interactions with her subordinate, the recent whirlwind of events surrounding Patton evoked an awareness within her. Now, the broken dam of memories flashed in her mind's eye, one after the other.

"_I'm Amanda. Amanda Rollins." A pleasant smile and a handshake were offered to her._

"_Ah. Transfer from Dallas, right?" Olivia replied disinterestedly, giving a quick shake before withdrawing her hand._

"_Transfer from Atlanta," corrected Amanda, still grinning._

Another memory.

"_What happened?"_

_A shrug. "Something not worth pursuing." _

_Despite a gut feeling tell her that her younger colleague's nonchalance should not be believed, Olivia nodded slowly and dropped the topic._

Something not worth pursuing. And yet here they were, a few years later, that same incident Olivia decided not to pursue came to light, showing her just how very wrong she was.

"_Lieutenant Murphy may trust you. __I don't__. And if we weren't so short-staffed, I'd transfer you. Today."_

At that time, she was fuelled by anger. Now, the power of her own words hit her, as she remembered the devastating impact it had on Amanda, bruises on her face, valiantly trying to hold herself together. God, Olivia, you _fool_, she berated herself. She was angry. She was angry and disappointed at Amanda's recklessness and how she put herself in danger. And Amanda needed to know that. But she shouldn't have casted Amanda aside at a time when she needed love, compassion and understanding, a time when she needed someone to lean on and trust.

"_Word of advice Rollins, next time, don't oversell," snapped Olivia, interrupting the blonde's hastily recited excuses as to why she was late again. _

"_Got it."_

That interaction happened just before Patton's trial.

Olivia wanted to sit next to Amanda that morning, during the trial. To be there for her, to support her. But Amanda left the precinct first, texting them that she'd meet them there. When the squad arrived, they saved her a seat. Yet Amanda ignored them, opting to sit far at the back with easy access to the exit doors.

As she reflected, Olivia recognized that was her subordinate distancing herself, isolating herself, putting her walls and her armour up and high. And, much as Olivia hated to admit it, she wasn't surprised. After years of dealing with Olivia's anger, and even more of said anger when she was struggling with her problems and gambling addiction, Amanda got the message loud and clear that she should be soldiering through her demons alone. Olivia clenched her teeth at the message she had been sending her younger colleague over and over again. Amanda was her detective, yet she had failed so badly in looking out for her.

No, Olivia vowed. No longer would she stand by on the sidelines watching her brave, young detective suffer by herself again. Amanda deserved better and Olivia would step up.

She took a deep, deep breath and exhaled slowly. Grabbing Amanda's handbag, she stepped out of her car and locked it, as she climbed up the steps to the apartment building.


	2. Chapter 2

_Here's the second chapter. Thank you for your reviews. I really appreciate it._

* * *

Fuck, her head hurt.

Amanda was sprawled across her kitchen floor, having collapsed in that spot when exhaustion took over a long time ago. She held her head in her hands and a bottle of whiskey was right next to her amongst the other empty bottles. Most of the lights in her apartment were switched off, as she never bothered to turn them on when the sun set. Her chairs and some broken glass were scattered across the floor of her small dining area after she, shaking in a fit of uncontrolled anger and fear, smashed the contents on her dining table and threw the chairs against the wall. She forced herself to stop lest she caused further damage and caused the neighbours to complain against her.

Right now though, you could say she was settled. The alcohol made her feel emotionally light, free from the burdens that plagued her for the past few weeks. A steady buzz was finally flowing through her body, dulling her emotions. However, in contrast, her head, especially the left side of it, was throbbing, a piercing sharp pain digging deep into it. Nausea was starting to settle in the pit of her stomach. The blonde had a high tolerance and was more than capable of holding her liquor, but today was the day she threw caution to the winds.

She had to. That was the only way to dull the pain but, more importantly, to silence the torrent of anxiety storming through her mind, threatening to unleash more havoc than she was capable of handling.

When she fled the courthouse, it wasn't long before her thoughts caught up with the turn of events in the last few days. The sheer relief and disbelief that Patton was actually found guilty. The shame that it was Detective Taymor who reported it, who had the courage and conviction to report him, while she, Amanda, held back and surrendered. The guilt that Detective Taymor would have never went through this if only, oh _if only_, she reported him back in Atlanta instead of hiding and fleeing to New York like the coward she was. And the overwhelming, undeniable reality of the fact that her squad knew. The secret that she swore nobody would ever found out. They all knew. Fin. Nick. Carisi. Olivia.

_Olivia_.

In addition to the events surrounding Patton, thoughts of Olivia was another thing that sparked Amanda's anxiety up the roof, causing her heart to race in panic and her breath to cut short. No matter how hard she tried to clamp down and avoid thoughts of her Sergeant, her mind was just unable to follow her commands.

From behind her hands, Amanda winced in shame and embarrassment once again, despite the buzz. Grabbing the whiskey, she downed another long gulp, trying to drown out the fact that she fucked up yet again.

Even before Patton arrived, she had been treading on thin ice with her Sergeant already. And by god, she tried, she really, really did. Yet it was all so futile. Olivia remained unimpressed and full of contempt. Now, it was game over.

Any chance she had of regaining Olivia's trust was gone. Olivia knew. She now knew what a coward Amanda was. How weak she had been to even put herself in a situation where Patton took advantage of her. How weak she was that she did not even press charges, but fled to New York instead. Knowing that, why would Olivia even want to continue having her on the team? For that matter, how could she even look at her victims in the eye, preaching about courage to take the stand when she herself ran away?

Another long sip.

A few minutes pass by. Five. Ten. And at long last, Amanda could feel her eyes drooping, the drowsiness starting to settle in. Hell awaited her tomorrow, she knew that. The hangover. The mess from her anger in her dining room that she would have to clean up. The full force of the fact that her squad knew her past… the courage to face the truth that she would have to resign from the Special Victims Unit or apply for a transfer. Because there was no way they would want to work with her now.

All that faced her tomorrow morning. But for now, she can finally escape in her sleep, assuming no nightmares.

Three, rapid knocks sounded at the door. "Amanda?" a familiar, feminine voice called.

Amanda tensed, her descent to sleep halted. _Oh, god. Please, no._

"It's me. Olivia. Fin gave me your keys. I'm going through your front door, okay? Please."

Amanda clenched her eyes shut. She buried her head in her hands and pulled her legs closer, curling herself. No. No. Not now, please. All she wanted to do was fall asleep. She didn't have the strength to face Olivia right now, to answer to the anger and disappointment that was sure to be awaiting her. The questions as to why she broke her professionalism by failing to return to the precinct. The judgment when Olivia sees the disheveled state Amanda is in, still in the same clothes as when she left that morning, or when she sees number of empty bottles, or her dining area. _Please, go away. Please!_

The door opened slowly, before closing as quietly, the lock sliding into place. She heard the sound of hands running through the walls, and a switch was flipped. The front lights turned on and Amanda felt the protection from the darkness hiding her disappear.

"Oh, honey," a soft voice uttered and in a moment, Olivia was in front of her. A pair of hands gently held her wrists and pried them away from her face.

Eyes still shut, she attempted to turn away, hating herself of the involuntary whimper that came out, hating herself for being found out in this position, but a warm hand came up to her cheek. "Hey. It's okay. It's _okay_. I got you."

She shoved Olivia's hand away, still unable to face her. "Go away," she mumbled with great effort.

"No." The reply was swift and firm, but soft and reassuring. A comforting hand fell on her knee. "I'm not going anyway, sweetie. I won't leave you alone."

A pause. Amanda felt her Sergeant shift, before settling right beside her, exuding warmth and steady assurance. She buried her face again, as if that protected her from the shame that would surely come if she so much as looked at Olivia.

* * *

With her back against the wall, Olivia leaned closer to Amanda, her hand drawing soothing circles on the younger woman's arm, trying to convey that sense of comfort, safety, and assurance. Surveying the damage in the dining room, the bottles on the floor and her agonized detective, Olivia felt her heart breaking once again. Her detective's pain was so raw, so evident and once again, she was aware of the fact that Amanda dealt with it alone today, with no one by her side.

"Hey," she whispered, eyes gazing softly at the blonde, willing for Amanda to at least glance at her direction. "I know it's almost late, I know you wanted to be alone. But I couldn't help myself. I wanted to see for myself how you were faring… I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner." Still no response, but Olivia could feel Amanda tensing up. She squeezed her arm gently, before resuming her circles. "But I'm here now, okay?" she continued softly. "I'm not leaving you to deal with this alone and I don't want you to deal with this alone. You have me. I want you to know that you have me."

She finally got a response, as she felt her detective shake her head in disagreement, "I don't want you here," replied Amanda drowsily.

"I know," acknowledged Olivia softly, recognizing that her detective's walls and armour were still there.

"I just… don't have the energy right now, Sarge," was the faint reply. "I can't answer to you right now, please."

It clicked and Olivia realized where her subordinate was coming from. Amanda thought she was here to question her, to berate her, to demand an explanation for her actions like she had done numerous times in the past. Again, that blasted memory flashed in her mind's eye. _And if we weren't so short-staffed, I'd transfer you. Today._ Despite the fact that they were off-duty, she noticed Amanda did not even address her by her name, but by her title. Olivia felt her guilt flare. Was she so cold and so unapproachable?

"No. No," she responded vehemently. "I'm not here to demand anything from you, Amanda. I'm so so sorry I ever made you feel that way. I don't want you to think of anything else but yourself right now, okay?"

Amanda released a shaky breath. The minutes passed by, one by one. Neither of them said a thing. Amanda was too exhausted, too ashamed and unwilling to break the silence. And Olivia merely sat there, leaning so very close to her detective (for her own comfort as well), a hand on her detective's arm, recognizing and realizing her subordinate's unwillingness to engage. She merely sat with Amanda, continuing to convey the warmth and comfort and safety through her presence and her touch, trying to let Amanda sink in the fact that she was not alone in this.

Eventually, underneath her fingers, Olivia could feel the tension disappearing from Amanda's body. Recognizing that perhaps it was the alcohol combined with exhaustion, she spoke again, "Amanda? Let me help you move to the couch. You'd be a lot more comfortable there than falling asleep here, eh?"

She got no response but that was okay. Olivia stood up and gently coaxed her detective to follow her. Too exhausted to resist, Amanda followed on auto-pilot and Olivia managed to swing an arm around her shoulders, before supporting the younger woman's torso. Side-stepping the dining area and the broken pieces of glass, Olivia gently led Amanda through the living room and to her couch. Grabbing the thick throw over nearby, she spread it wide before throwing it over Amanda and tucking it just under her chin.

She took a moment to truly look at Amanda. Unable to resist, Olivia knelt close and her hand went straight to the blonde's hair, brushing the soft bangs away from her face. She smiled as Amanda, probably unaware from the exhaustion and alcohol, unconsciously learned towards her touch.

"'M sorry," Amanda slurred, before finally surrendering to sleep.

Olivia shook her head again. "No," she smiled sadly. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Amanda. Nothing at all." Still gently stroking the blonde's hair, she continued, talking in a low tone, taking her time with her words. "I'm the one who has a lot to be sorry for. I was too stubborn and unforgiving. I set you aside when you needed someone the most. I just… couldn't let go of my pride long enough to see what was right in front of me and I'm sorry." Olivia knew that she was better off holding off her apologies until a later time when Amanda was awake and able to hear her. But she couldn't help herself. The need to say she had been wanting to say all day since that morning was bursting out of her. Uttering and hearing her own apologies a way to alleviate some of the emotions she herself was feeling.

"I judged you and formed my own perceptions of you without even making any effort to understand you. I'm sorry it took this case for me to realize that. But what happened with Patton… I know what a private person you are but you don't have to go through that alone. You have us. You have me, okay? I promise. Please. Let me make it up to you."

Sighing, she leaned back and stood up. Grabbing her phone, she shot a quick text to Fin. "She's at home and she's alright, considering. Will you be able to cover and hold the fort tomorrow?"

Fin's reply was instant. "Will do, Sarge. Focus on our girl."

Pocketing her phone, Olivia quietly strode through the kitchen and searched through the cabinets and drawers, realizing that she'd never been inside Amanda's home before. She found the gloves and cleaning supplies under the sink, a broom and swiffer behind the small storage closet. Grabbing the latter and the gloves, she set about cleaning the broken glass off the floor and dining set, trying her best to minimize noise, despite knowing it was high unlikely that Amanda would be waking from her alcohol induced slumber. After several turns over that area, ensuring to the best of her ability that there were no more pieces of glass hiding, Olivia picked up the bottles and set them aside neatly by the door, before proceeding to wipe down the counters and tidy the blonde's kitchen.

After freshening herself up in Amanda's bathroom, she returned to the living room and settled on herself on the floor by her detective's sleeping form. Olivia let out a sigh. Though she knew Amanda would be a lot more comfortable in her own bed than the couch, she didn't want to intrude into Amanda's most personal space, having invited herself unannounced into the blonde's home already. That meant she, Olivia, would be on the floor. It was going to be a bit of an uncomfortable night for her but truthfully, she didn't mind. She would rather endure a little bit of discomfort if it meant being close to her detective.

She could sense that tomorrow was going to be a challenging day. She and Amanda would have a number of things to confront tomorrow, things that struck close to the heart. But they had to. It was the only way to move forward and it was the least Olivia could do for her.

She looked to Amanda once more and listened to her breathing, another pang in her heart and a longing to ease her younger colleague's pain. "I'll see you in the morning. But if you need anything, wake me up, okay? I promise I won't judge. I promise you can count on me."


	3. Chapter 3

_Here's the third chapter. _

_Again, thank you so, so much for the reviews: sheepish123, aurigabi, Mileycfan4eva, MaryFan1, anitramason1, olivia fan, wordlesswhispers, claire & other guest reviews - I really appreciate it!_

_Before proceeding though:_

**_Trigger warning: sexual assault & thoughts of suicide. _**

_Please take note of the trigger warning._

* * *

Amanda grunted in pain as her head slammed hard into the wall behind her. Rough hands were groping and pawing at her body hard enough to soon leave bruises. Things were spiraling out of control, too much, too fast. She couldn't escape, she couldn't get away. In a panic, she attempted to push him off but it was useless. He was bigger than her. He overpowered her easily enough and her intoxication wasn't helping her one bit. She couldn't push him off.

"Come on, Amanda," he sneered. "You know I don't take no for an answer."

"No!" she cried desperately, trying, but failing, to ward him off. "I - ugh." She winced again as he kneed her, pain flooding her body. "Please," she cried.

"Amanda? Amanda!"

"No!"

"Amanda. I need you to wake up, honey."

"Pleasedon'thurtmeplease-"

"I won't hurt you! I need you to wake up, Amanda! You're safe. You're safe here with me," a pleading voice cut through the dark grips of her nightmare.

Amanda's eyes flew open. Her heart leapt to her throat when she saw a figure looming on top of her. With great effort, she pushed that figure off of her and seizing her chance, hopped off the couch.

"Hey, hey, hey. It's me, it's me. Amanda. It's _me_."

Breathing heavily, it took Amanda a few seconds to realize exactly where she was. To understand that she was in her living room in New York, not in that dark and dingy motel room in Atlanta. That the figure that was hovering right above her just a couple seconds ago was Olivia, who was looking at her right now with care and concern, not Charles Patton attempting to harm her.

Olivia stood up and made to approach her.

Amanda shook her head and took a step back. "Back off," she gasped, her nightmare still so vivid and real that she was not ready to have someone so close to her.

"Ama-"

"Back off, dammit!" she hissed desperately, taking a few more steps back from her sergeant.

Olivia nodded slowly and held her hands up, as if to put them where Amanda can see them and assure her that she meant no harm. "Take your time, take your time," she instructed, heart breaking once again at the sight of her detective's pain. "You're safe here."

Amanda turned around to face the wall and put a hand up to it, willing herself not to collapse. What she needed right now was to compose herself, her nerves, her shaking body. Heart racing, she took several staggered breaths, attempting to calm herself down. Trying, trying so hard to shake the feeling of Charles Patton on her body. Breathe in. Breathe in, dammit, she cursed herself.

"Amanda," murmured Olivia.

She held a finger up and shook her head vigorously again, trying to get across the fact that she just _can't_ talk right now.

Why wasn't her heart slowing down? Why was it so hard to get some air in?

Amidst her struggle, a familiar emotion was erupting once again. Shame. It wasn't just the pain of suffering yet another nightmare but the added fact that someone saw it all. It was mortification that Olivia had witnessed her thrashing around in her sleep when her guard was down. Weak. Helpless. Pathetic.

Her eyes started to sting, the telltale signs of impending tears making itself known. She closed her eyes, willing herself not to shed them. Not now. Not when there was someone in the room who would witness her falling apart utterly and completely.

"Amanda," pleaded Olivia again, as she cautiously, ever so carefully, inched closer. She knew she had not been given the permission to approach her distressed and shaking detective but she could not, would not, stand by and ignore her subordinate's anguish.

Try as she might, Amanda couldn't stop a choked sob from escaping her mouth. A tear fell out, then another.

It was just all too much.

Being raped by Patton and scorned by her squad in Atlanta.

The pain that she put herself through for her younger sister, only for Kim to throw her sacrifices back at her face.

Fleeing to New York, thinking that she would be able to get away from it all. Oh, how wrong she was. The initial optimism that she carried faded away in time. She lost it all to the exhaustion of keeping up with the city's grind, her gambling addictions and that mess with Murphy, losing her squad and her boss' trust.

Patton and Reese.

The squad finding out.

The constant nightmares haunting her week in, week out. Not being able to sleep well at all, and suffering for it during the day.

Now, Olivia being able to see her in her weakest moments.

Without warning, her fragile self-control shattered and Amanda's legs gave way. She slowly slid down against the wall, sobbing. Emotional pain manifesting itself physically, pressing hard on her heart, crushing her with its mighty weight. It hurt. Oh god, it _hurt_. The pain of it just overtaking her very essence, rendering her into a powerless mess.

In a second, Olivia was there.

Without hesitation, she took her detective in her arms and held her tightly, the sheer intensity of other woman's sobs and torment rocking through her own body, leaving her breathless. Olivia's throat tightened and tears sprung to her eyes just from _feeling _the younger woman's pain, pain that had been pent up so tight and for so long. The sheer magnitude of Amanda's anguish only making itself known to Olivia now.

With one arm wrapped tighter around Amanda's shoulders, Olivia's other hand reached up to her cheek, the flow of hot tears soaking it. She gently guided Amanda's face under her chin, and placed a tender kiss on the blonde hair, trying to convey the sense of love she had for the woman in her arms.

"It's alright, it's alright," assured Olivia, wracked with guilt and sorrow, wishing that she hadn't been so stubborn, wishing that she overlooked her pride and anger long enough to know what her detective had been dealing with. She had never seen Amanda Rollins fall apart completely and it was ripping her to shreds. As if to compensate for all the times she looked away, Olivia pulled Amanda even closer to the warmth in her arms, whispering words of comfort and assurance, soothing her detective's tormented soul. "I got you, Amanda. You are not going through this alone," she assured fiercely. "I got you, I promise. Take all the time you need. I'm here with you."

"I fucked up. It's all my fault," gasped Amanda, the words spilling out now that her guard was down.

"Oh, honey, no!" replied Olivia, her voice thick with emotion. "Never think that, not for one moment."

Her words, however, were discarded by the other woman as soon as they were uttered, the heartbreaking sobs still escaping.

"Let it all out. It's okay. I'm here with you, every step of the way. You're safe here with me. You are safe," all the soothing words and love continuously poured out of Olivia, as she held her detective in her arms.

Gradually and steadily, the blonde's sobs eased, replaced by uneven and shuddering breaths, as Olivia continued to hold her patiently, in no rush to go to let go or go anywhere. Amanda couldn't see past the tears in her eyes. Her nose felt stuffed and her throat hurt. She eventually became aware of the fact that she was in her sergeant's arms. Startled, she made to pull back but Olivia exerted a gentle pressure and tightened her embrace.

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay," the brunette lovingly reassured again. "Let me hold you. You have nothing to fear or be ashamed of."

And it suddenly hit her just how _exhausted _she felt. Too weak to struggle against the comfort being provided, Amanda closed her eyes and learned towards the other woman, feeling Olivia's weight against her body, the safety of her arms, the sound of her melodic voice, feeling the other woman's hands running through her hair. Somewhere beneath the overwhelming shame and embarrassment that was still consuming her, she had to admit that being in Olivia's embrace felt… nice.

She felt Olivia's fingers under her chin again and a light pressure directed her face to face with her superior. Watery blue eyes met the brown ones mere inches away. Amanda's breath hitched when she saw just how much love and compassion they held.

"You're okay," whispered Olivia, a small, comforting smile on her face. "You're okay." Her thumb slowly swiped across Amanda's cheeks wiping the blonde's tears away.

"Wh-why are you here?" stuttered Amanda.

"Because I care, honey. I care about you and I don't want to see you hurting," replied Olivia, still gazing at the other woman with love in her eyes.

"Since when?" those words slipped out before Amanda could stop it. She turned away hastily, as if scared her words would offend.

"I always did. I should have done a better job of showing it and reaching out to you but the truth is, I do care."

Amanda kept her head turned away, not wanting, nor knowing, how to respond to such candidness, especially from such a vulnerable position.

"Let's get off the floor, hm? Your couch might be a lot more comfortable for you." Olivia carefully disentangled herself from her position before standing up and offering the blonde a hand to lead her to the couch.

"Let me just grab you a glass of water, honey," said Olivia, as she grabbed the discarded throw over and wrapped it around her detective's shoulders, giving her an assuring squeeze.

Taking a glance through her apartment, Amanda noticed that her dining area had been tidied up. The shards of shattered glass were nowhere to be found. The time displayed from her oven told her it was just after three in the morning. The peace of her sleep, if you could call it peaceful, had long been shattered and troubled thoughts began swirling through her head again.

She was so, _so_ confused and she didn't know what to do next, how to handle this. Or, that was a lie. Amanda had an idea on how to handle this. It was something she had been considering for a long while but the question was, did she have the courage to actually go through with it? Because if not-

"Drink up," Olivia's soothing voice cut through the familiar, never ending torture that was the chaotic whirlwind of her thoughts.

Amanda realized a glass of water had been placed on her coffee table, as the other woman sat right next to her. Shakily, she took the glass and took a few generous sips before setting it down, toying with the rim, unwilling yet again to look at her sergeant as she wiped her eyes again.

After a few more moments of silence, Olivia brushed the blonde bangs away from her face. "Talk to me," she implored, needing and wanting to gain access to the younger woman's mind. Amanda might have broken down in front of her but her thoughts were still tightly guarded. Olivia knew that was a sign that her armour and carefully constructed walls were still intact. "Tell me what's going on in here," she tapped the side of Amanda's head twice. "Let me in. Please."

"I-" started Amanda, hesitating. There were so many thoughts but one stood out now. Perhaps, it was because Olivia asked so nicely that she found herself forcing out the words. "I - I'm... resigning from the Special Victims Unit."

Olivia felt her heart stop. Despite the fact that she was sitting down, it felt like somebody sucker punched her in the stomach. The magnitude of her failure hit her. She had let her detective down so badly. At that moment, she felt so unworthy of the title of sergeant.

Hearing no reply from the other woman, Amanda continued reluctantly, still outlining the rim of her glass with her fingers. "Been thinking about it. The past couple weeks… I was going to wait to tell you but," she shrugged helplessly. "Just… give me a few more days. Time to pull myself together, maybe. Then I will send it to you in writing by email. Then we can proceed with the paperwork."

Olivia didn't know what to say. A number of things she wanted to say were jumbled in her head, not knowing which thought she should express first. Curiosity won out. "Why?" she asked, her voice hoarse from shock. Oh, intuitively, she had a number of guesses. She was an empathetic woman and could place herself in her subordinate's shoes but she needed to hear it directly from Amanda.

The blonde's face twisted into a frown, as if she were surprised at the question. "It's the right decision," she shrugged. "After everything that's happened, why not?"

"Amanda, what happened with Patton has no bearing on your place in SVU," cut in Olivia firmly, feeling a little guilty when the other woman flinched at hearing that man's name unexpectedly.

"Does it not?" Amanda's voice was filled with self-loathing. "How many times did I encourage our victims to take the stand when I never did it myself? It was Reese. She spoke up. Not just for herself but for the next woman whom he would've crossed the line with too."

"Oh sweetie." Unable to help herself, Olivia's gently took one of her detective's hands in her own, stroking the back of it with her thumb when she felt the other woman tense up. "Nothing - absolutely nothing - was your fault there. What you went through - people have different ways of handling and coping with the trauma they've experienced, and they do it at their own pace. You cannot fault yourself. You did the best you could. The blame lies with one man alone, so I want you to put that thought out of your head."

Amanda's breath hitched as Olivia's understanding and compassionate words washed over her. Wrenching her hand from Olivia's grasp, she stood up. "I'll be fine," she insisted, impatiently wiping her eyes again as she began to pace, feeling her sergeant's gaze boring into her.

The small sigh Olivia let out indicated that she didn't believe her detective but she wasn't done, because something else caught her attention and she had to pursue it. "You said that you were resigning from SVU," she continued softly. "You're asking for a resignation, not a transfer."

Not knowing what to say, Amanda shrugged, feeling caught once again. Trust Olivia to notice her wording.

"You are a passionate and hardworking detective Amanda. No, really," insisted Olivia, seeing her subordinate's disbelieving look. "I know you worked hard for your career and being a detective means a lot to you. A resignation from SVU is different from a transfer." Hearing no reply coming from the other woman who was now turning away from her again, she continued, "I meant what I said. What happened in Atlanta has no bearing on your place in SVU. With us." _With me_.

"I know you can see me feeling like absolute shit but don't patronize me, Sarge," scoffed Amanda, ignoring Olivia's startled look. "You've made your thoughts clear on the matter. I know you would have me transferred anyway as soon as we're not so short-staffed."

"I-" interjected Olivia, guilt resurfacing again as she recalled that memory once more.

"Don't. Don't even try. I'm not offended," sighed Amanda with a tired wave of her hand. "You and I both know the truth."

There was a pause before Olivia replied gently, "And what truth is that? Because it seems you and I have two different versions of the truth."

"You're… really going to make me say it?" said Amanda, a hint of sarcasm making its way through her voice, rough from crying, a bitter smile on her lips and she glanced at her superior. "Fine. How about this? We both know my time in New York is a complete fucking failure. My gambling addiction spiralled out of control but it's not as if you didn't know that already, what with all that mess with Lieutenant Murphy. My track record with the NYPD isn't exactly flawless as you've reminded everytime I show up late or fuck up by your standards. Don't say anything though," she said, as she saw Olivia about to protest. "That's all on me. And last not but not least the same shit I swore no one would find out just blew up in my face after the APD's conference and Patton's trial in the last few days."

Despite the overwhelming embarrassment and vulnerability she had been feeling all night, another emotion was rising through: anger. Sheer anger at how the fragile house of cards that was her life had finally collapsed after years of desperation trying to maintain it, leaving her to deal with the consequences. She could not help it. That anger ignited a fire within her and it was manifesting itself in the form of a sharp tongue.

"You're right. I could apply for a transfer. Homicide. Vice. Hell, I could even transfer to Boston or Chicago. Don't think I haven't thought about that. But given the absolute clusterfuck that Atlanta and New York have been, I already know that shit is going to follow me too to the next precinct and quite frankly Sarge, I don't have the energy to put up with round three of this mess. As much as I hate to admit it out loud, much less in front of you, I can't seem to keep the lid on my problems. There you go. Are you happy?" Needing to pull away now, Amanda furiously turned around and strode to her dining her area, putting her hands against the edge of her table, trying to get her breathing, her anger under control.

She really shouldn't have blown up at the woman with whom she had been on a tight leash with but she was at the end of her rope. She uprooted her life and moved to New York a few years ago in an attempt to escape her demons in Atlanta and start afresh. But the reality hit her now that New York, despite all her efforts to stay afloat, also had its share of demons. Amanda knew it was on her. She fucked up and there was no one else to blame. The common denominator there was her and that alone was how she believed that a third chance somewhere else would not work out any better than the first too.

All she could feel now was familiar weariness and despair that went deep beyond her physical body. An exhaustion that would not go away by a good night's sleep or a day off.

As if the fight left her body instantly, she turned back to Olivia. "I'm sorry," she said hollowly. "I was out of line. I shouldn't have-"

"No," interrupted Olivia, as she too stood up. Amanda noticed how the other woman's voice wavered, perhaps in shock at the full force of her words. "Don't ever apologize how you feel! Your emotions are valid."

"It's late," she deflected, her fears and the need to shut down this overwhelming conversation growing. "You're more than welcome to stay for the night or you can leave but there's no point to this-"

"I reject your resignation," Olivia declared vehemently. "I am telling you loud and clear right now: I am absolutely denying your request."

Wait. What? Amanda blinked in surprise.

Technically, with some exceptions, bosses did not have the power to deny their subordinates' wishes to resign but right now, Olivia did not give a damn. Radiating determination, she strode towards Amanda who was now caught like a deer in headlights. Olivia's mind was a scattered mess and her emotions weren't faring any better but one thing was clear, the need to cut through her detective's doubts and make her true thoughts known. To say the unsaid and state it explicitly. Something she should've done a long, long time ago.

She approached close enough that Amanda had no choice but to be utterly aware of and focused on her, startled blue eyes gravitating against their owner's will to look up at her fierce brown ones. "Listen to me and listen carefully," commanded Olivia intensely, taking care to enunciate her words slowly and clearly, lest the other woman so much as missed a syllable. "You. _are_. a. brilliant. detective. You're passionate and you're headstrong. You work hard for our victims and you stop at nothing to bring them justice. Even if it gives me headaches and will probably continue to do so in the future, I cannot fault you because I can see that you care. You are very much a part of SVU and rightfully so, because you _deserve _to be here. If you ask me, there is no damn where else I want you to be other than here, with us, in _my _team. Do you understand? If there's one thing, only one thing, I want to get through to your head, it's that I want you in my team."

Amanda could neither speak nor move but Olivia wasn't done. "And quite frankly, Amanda? I owe you an apology."

"W-what for?" choked Amanda.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you," Olivia's voice dropped to a softer tone, as she repeated her earlier words. "I'm sorry for holding you at arms length. When you first came to SVU, I was still… reeling at the loss of my partner and I took it out on you and Amaro. Cragen told me more than once that I had to get my act together but… I was so up in my own head. I couldn't let go of my pride and my anger to do what was best for the team and it wasn't fair on you.

"You and I haven't seen eye to eye in the past. There have been a lot of things we disagreed on but as your sergeant, I should have had your back. That was on me-"

"No, Sarge, that's not-"

"No, that was on me," affirmed Olivia. "I failed you and I am so so sorry."

Amanda's lip trembled and she could feel her eyes starting to tear up again. She looked away, not knowing what to say.

Olivia was now so close to her, her body just mere inches away. Placing a hand on her detective's arm and dipping her head to try to re-establish eye contact, Olivia continued, "What I'm asking for is a second chance. I don't want you to continue feeling like you have to go through this alone, as if you have nobody to lean for help, because that's a lie. I want to be here for you and I want you to feel like you belong in our precinct. Because you do."

Amanda was shaking. Her turmoil had not abated in the slightest. Her thoughts were still so chaotic, unable to tell which way was was up or down. Olivia was extending the metaphorical branch in her direction, offering a new beginning but she didn't know if she could take it. Past Olivia's shoulder, Amanda glanced at a drawer on the other side of her living room. Behind it, hidden from Olivia's sight, lay her badge, along with her service gun.

She had been, since Charles Patton had re-entered her life on the day of the conference, contemplating on putting it all to an end. Contemplating and contemplating until her mind felt more, though not completely, at peace with the possibility. But then here came Olivia, unknowingly offering a way to move forward. However, Amanda wasn't too sure if she even had the strength to go with her sergeant, terrified of resuming the effort to live only to be disappointed again.

She felt fingers underneath her chin and was gently steered to face her sergeant again. Warmth, love, kindness. All this the other woman was freely giving her.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Amanda quietly.

"Because I care."

"You don't want to work with a fuck up like me."

"You're not a fuck up. Quite the opposite, even if you don't see it."

"You say that because you don't know half of it, Sarge," murmured Amanda brokenly. "You don't know the full story behind Patton. You don't know why I gamble. You're only as sick as your secrets and…" She shook her head. "You don't know half of them." _You don't know that I've been considering crossing the line between life and death._ "If you did…"

"If I did, I still stand by what I said," assured Olivia firmly.

"I'm scared," whispered Amanda, the words escaping her lips against her will.

Olivia nodded in understanding the full weight of what Amanda was saying. The fear of continuing to fight and face one's struggles when one didn't have the strength to do so. The fear of vulnerability, of having somebody witness things you swore would remain private. "I know. Amanda, you're a strong woman. You've had your battles. I don't expect it to be easy but if or when the time comes that you decide to share them with me, I would be so _so_ honoured, and I will listen. But if not me, then Fin or Amaro or a professional. Whatever you decide, I am in your corner backing you, okay?"

In her mind's eye, Amanda felt like she was at a standstill between two doors. The first door - the door that she had been mulling over for a while now. The door that can end the pain and provide her the bliss she so sought. But there was a second one - the door that Olivia had just propped up. It was a door that didn't promise an easy path but offered a new beginning, a light at the end of the tunnel if only she just continued going on.

"You're not alone with this. You have me. I will be right by your side." Olivia did not know it but at the moment, she was very much Amanda's lifeline in preventing her from gravitating towards the first door.

Once again, blue eyes met brown. One filled with uncertainty and fear. The other filled with promise, offering love, assurance and conviction.

"Please Amanda," begged Olivia.

Her choice was made. The second door it was.

"Okay," said Amanda quietly, so quietly that Olivia almost missed it.

With a small smile on her face and the feeling of relief, Olivia leaned forward and engulfed Amanda in her arms with a strong, protective hug. The type of hug that conveyed her desire to wash away all the torment and provide all the comfort she could offer.

Her sergeant's scent hit her at full force and slowly, Amanda reciprocated, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

They probably had a long way to go, that Olivia knew. The tension between her and Amanda in the last few years was not going to be resolved by the conversation they just had. Amanda was right. She did not the full stories behind her subordinate's pain but she did not miss saw that haunted, broken look in the blonde's eyes when she said that. It was for that reason that, moving forward, Olivia was determined be there as a pillar.

_End_.


End file.
